I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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