my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You made out with two different species that night
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
