Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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