Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
