Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
