i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
