4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
