I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
