From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
