Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
