So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
