billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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