Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
We left the knife in your bed.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
