overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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