Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
