Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
