So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
