im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize