Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
