Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
