i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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