Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
