I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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