fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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