We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
