I'm so fucking centered right now
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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