At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Randomize
