4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Randomize
