I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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