How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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