If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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