last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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