She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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