I want you more than these girls want KFC
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Success! We fucked roommates!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
