i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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