nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
now i know why i became what i already was.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
