I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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