her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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