If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
