I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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