I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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