ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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