You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
