Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
