I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
pray to the hookup gods
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
