john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We need a shit load of segways right now
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
