jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize