I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize