So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
