Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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