mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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