I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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