Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Randomize
