I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize