Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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