Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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