my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize