I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
