I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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