Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
