he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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