Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
